At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer