it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
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It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?