1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
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It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!