Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
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If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
opening twitter today
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think