In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
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“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Friday night party time 🥳
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.