Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
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I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
titanic
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.