Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
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drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
scares
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
what?
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Imagine having a party on purpose.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’