My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
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Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here