How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
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Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.