I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
The Sun
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.