Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
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one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I have so many questions.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”