ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
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Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…