If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
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no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
A couple who are silly together stay together.