Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
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[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons