My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
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the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall