*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
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Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera