I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
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*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
This is sending me to another galaxy
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
💻🤡
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.