My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
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Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!