welp
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Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.