8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
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My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Clients after you give them your rates
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Gods work.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT