Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
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Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”