Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
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Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Bike for sale
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
this will hang in the louvre one day
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.