Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
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Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Perfection.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Accurate
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.