Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
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Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Friday