I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
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wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
it was love at first sight
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
How I’d get arrested…
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.