Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
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If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis