*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
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*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”