Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
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The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
the icebreaker
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days