[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Dudes named Chance never had one.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
You know…for fall…
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner