I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
This is my pinned tweet
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
i spent way too long on this
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.