our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
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At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
#oldknees
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.