Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
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me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
excuse me
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.