I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
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Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”