Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.