Meeeee too!
You Might Also Like
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.