[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
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[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Practicing safe sax
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.