*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
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99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.