Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
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She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Netflix: We have Less
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Fixed this for Shakespeare
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
“Huge”.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???