People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
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I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Velcrow
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.