Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
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[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.