We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
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“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
dude it’s called proctologist
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
why isn’t he texting back
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos