Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
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I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Seems a bit forward
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin