*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I’m not lazy
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.