Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
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If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*