Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
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According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
TRAIN’S HERE
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
he’s doing your taxes
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
📽️movie date🎞️
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*