This device could predict incoming phone calls.
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ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Very good! 👍😂
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
True?
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.