Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
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Me: how are you
Friday: good
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Not today
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?