If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
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Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Who did it better?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish