(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
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*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it