hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
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Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
taking June’s advice to heart
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
crochet youtube is brutal
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.